Tag Archives: psychology

Walk with me…

Life and time are moving in circles, one endless motion, the same hand passing round the same clock witnessed by a million different eyes, each filling every second with their own treasure trove of occurrence and subsequent manifestation.

Walk with me, hand in hand through the neon and styrofoam. Walk the razor blades of broken hearts. Walk the fortune and the fortune hunted. Walk the chop suey bars and the tract of stars.

Walk with me. Down a dark road coated with a hazy fog that makes the streetlights shine brighter. I am not afraid of feeling but I am afraid of feeling unthinkingly. I don’t want to drown. My head is my heart’s life belt. I should like an emotional inflatable.

I know I am a fool, hoping that dirt and glory are a kind of luminous paint; the humiliations and exaltations that light us up. It is just as likely that as I invent what I want to say, you will invent what you want to hear, an exchange if you will, joint manifestivities. And they shall dance the tango as the record spins the manifesto.

A weak signal into the outer space of each other. The probability of separate worlds meeting is very small. The lure of it immense. We send star ships. We fall in love.

Walk with me. Down a dark road coated with a hazy fog that makes the streetlights shine brighter. I walk away with the taste of you between my legs. Part pleasure, part pain, the antennae of my nervous system still twitching with the hum of the air in the soupy space between.

(An inspired collaboration of quotes and improvised idealisms with lines and longitudes from Gut Symmetry by Jeanette Winterson)

The Big Bluff

The big bluff. The plague of the soul. Empty small talk that neither party have any interest in but have somehow fallen under the impression that the other one is. Forced laughter that makes your cheeks hurt from the weight of holding up the corners of your mouth. Misinterpretations of expectations and obligations. Mock niceties and plasticated enthusiasm. It’s all a sham. Fraudulent personalities thrust into your radius without warning, capable of single handedly extinguishing every spark of glowing light radiating from the spirit candles as they flicker and dance at your beautiful perfect core.

NB. Cheese is an addiction and diets make you cross.

It is my opinion that as a group of equally loathed things, (and of course I am referring to society’s synthetic tendencies and not to the expertly crafted creamy confectionary) they need a name, a collective, a reference point, a magic word that we could all shout out as tho under attack from a group of hungry ether dogs growling and salivating at the ankles of the soul. After consulting the literary oracle of the world wide web –  ‘thesaurus.com/browse/fake’, I have found something suitable. Ready? Fictitious. Used correctly I believe, ‘fictitious’ refers more to fiction than artificiality, however if you pronounce it as it looks, it has quite a nice ring to it, and almost sounds like an accompaniment to a spell, in which case when I shout it out I can also wave my hands around thus drawing attention and increasing my prospects of diffusing the awful situation that will inevitably have arisen accompanying any or all of the aforementioned.

“FIC-TIT-IOUS!” And the beast was done.

Fictitious.

“Hello. I’m the one who’s going to disappoint your expectations. Who are you? Nice of you to meet me. Did you?”

I inwardly preach this distaste for false niceties and forced small talk, tho I as much as anyone have been culprit of unnaturally raised vocal octaves, a hearty laugh more suited to the nether regions of my anatomy, of nodding enthusiastically in agreement when in fact I have no idea what’s going on. I bare my teeth and try to tilt the corners of my mouth so that it may pass as a smile and conceal my distaste, my lack of tolerance, my general irritation with the inconvenience that seems to be invading my circumference, so that I may appear what? A better person? Or a fictional character?

A figment of my interpretation of the collective imagination. Nice of me to meet you.

Seek refuge under the blanket fort fashioned from the patchwork quilts of nonsense.

Innovations of Love and the Common Cheese Grater

She lay in the centre of her slightly-too-small-for-the-bed-matress, enveloped in duvet and memories, suspended in an air of nostalgia and the faint aroma of pine and fire. A faint sense of longing tugged at the skirts of … what was it? Lust? Love? Jealousy maybe? What was it that woman had said once?

“The meaning of life is to love and be loved, that’s it.”

So simple. Is it? For the first time in her life she had begun carefully combing through the tangled garments of her badly packed emotional baggage, and was slowly realising there was something missing, or something left out, not a gap exactly, just a longing, like there was only one left of each pair of socks and while one can quite happily get by with a whole load of odd socks, it’s nice to have a matching pair. This realisation had brought with it a series of what seemed strange reactions; a watchful eye, a brief glimpse into a future with this person or that, a burning desire just to be passionate with another, to loose all barriers and boundaries of social and sexual etiquette and really let go. Fuck the games and the mystery and the “oh I wonder if I should show how I really feel and how do they want me to really feel and if I do show my truth will that alter how they really feel and who’s feelings are they anyway?”

Fuck it. When did it become so damn complicated? Where are the days of literary French romance where everything’s just there on the surface, the heart beating wildly and provocatively on the left sleeve of chemistry and courtship? Where is the heart now? Confined to a solid iron box. Suffocated in bland custom and cautious emotion, too scared to skip for fear it may trip up on the withered strings of another washed up clump of muscle and veins. That was what would become if she wasn’t careful, we are after all just elaborate plants, each part of us thriving on various different stimulus and nutrients, only fungus thrives in the cold and dark, probably not even cold at that, and everything needs space to breathe. Growing one’s heart a mythical mushroom tho that belongs to a different metaphor, one of succulent red flesh and brightly coloured sounds somewhere on the floor of the forest. Maybe the bit we learn is the optimum conditions, we don’t come with swing tags or instruction manuals, and if we try to follow such things we wind up empty and meaningless; standardised, streamlined and just about functional, like flat packed furniture from Ikea with the holes that never quite line up with the pegs.

Right now she was probably a moderately priced kitchen unit, complete with empty drawers and their smooth sliding mechanism, ready to be filled with matching cutlery and innovative cheese graters. What she really wanted to be was a beautiful old dressing table complete with elaborate mirror and smudges of lip-stick, drawers that required a certain knack to open and close smoothly and that rattled with loose beads and trinkets from the long lost pieces of jewellery that once filled them, stains on the wood from spilt perfume and glasses of wine and maybe the odd scratch here and there, from times of momentary madness or bursts of passion where everything on its surface had been swiped off in one fell swoop. Yes, that was what she wanted, that was what she envisioned for herself, not this strange rational existence.